Joke Of Today: A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. 

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."

"But it's sinful and wicked!"

"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"

"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is."

"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"

Today’s joke: Lazy husband watching a game when his wife interrupts him

 

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupted to tell him, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looked at her and angrily said, “Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have a GE logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine.” Then the wife asks, “Well then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have ‘Westinghouse’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she said. “Then at least you could fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.”

“I’m not a carpenter and I don’t want to fix steps,” he said. “Does it look like I have ‘Ace Hardware’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!”

So he went to the bar and had drinks for a couple of hours until he started to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decided to go home.

As he walked into the house, he noticed that the steps were already fixed. Once inside the house, he saw the hall light is working. As he went to get a beer, he noticed the fridge door was fixed as well.

“Honey,” he asked, “how did all this get fixed?”

“Ah well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”

He asked, “So what kind of cake did you bake him?” She replied, “Helloooo, do you see ‘Betty Crocker’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

If you enjoyed this woman’s response to her husband unpleasant behavior – share this funny story on Facebook!

LAUGH OF THE DAY : Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street,

When they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors,

she decides to be kind and tells them,

“The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says

“I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle,

“That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle,

“I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,

“How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says,

“Liver alone, cheese mine.”

Laugh of the day: Little Boy Told Teacher The Reason He Was Late is His Daddy Sleeps ...

 

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.

“You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down the fox.

The last few nights, he done ate six hens.

Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double-barreled shotgun and said to my Ma,

“That fox is back again… I’m a-gonna git him!”

“Stay back,” Daddy whispered to all us kids!

“My Daddy was naked as a jaybird — no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house, he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. 

As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy’s crack!”

“Miss Russell, we all been pluckin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin!”

JOKE OF TODAY: THE SMUGGLER

 

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey.

And each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw.

When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports.

Every day, they find nothing.

And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in the tea houses or restaurants in the city,

They see the same man spending lots of money and boasting that he is in fact a smuggler and that no one can catch him.

Every day, incensed at his bold claims, the tax collectors obsessively search his bags of straw.

They sift the straw, cut it into pieces, rip open the fabric of his bags, attempt to burn the straw, check his hat, his beard and even cut open his shoes in the hope of finding coins between the leather.

And yet, each evening, he is seen back in the city growing ever more prosperous and ever more brazen, even offering to pay for the tax collectors meals and drinks while continuing to tell stories of his wily smuggling.

The tax collectors continue their futile interrogations of the straw bags for years, to no avail.

This continues until, now a prosperous man, the smuggler moves away to another city and settles down to enjoy his wealth.

Years pass and one day, in the market, one of the retired tax collectors meets his old foe and asks,

‘Mister, many years have passed: I am no longer a tax collector and we are just two old men. Please, you can tell me, what was it you were smuggling all that time?’

The smuggler replied,

‘Donkeys.’

Viralfunnyjokes: DAUGHTER'S VIBRATOR

 A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?” she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

“What are you doing?” he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

“What are you doing?” she exclaimed.

He replied…………”Watching the game with my son-in-law.”

Viralfunnyjokes: SEVEN CATS!!

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"