Man asks this woman to marry..


A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a verynice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. 

This was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut thewater like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, ‘That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.” So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. 

She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. 

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?” “No,” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

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Silly Joke – The mad scientist demonstrates his findings

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret.

The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.

‘Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.’

The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.

‘Spider, walk left’

The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.

‘Spider, move right.’

The spider moved right.

The crowd gasped.

Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again.

The crowd applauded in awe.

The scientist then removed all of the spider’s legs.

The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.

‘Move left’

The spider didn’t move.

‘Move right’

Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.

‘This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider’s legs, it goes deaf.’

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The Funny Old Forgetful Couple Go To A Doctor

… noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said.

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him.

And again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband.

And again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes.
He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks,

“Where’s the toast?”

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The Priest Lights a Fertility Candle For The Married Couple

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?”

She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”

The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”

She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”

The Father said, “Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.”

She replied, “Oh, thank ye, Father…” they then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, “Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?”

She replied, “Oh, very well, Father!’

The Father asked, “And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?”

She replied, “Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!”

The Father said, “That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?”

She replied, “E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.”

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In a survey of 40,000 jokes over 70 countries, the enclosed joke was voted funniest joke in the world.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator, “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a soothing voice, says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line…

He says, “OK, now what?”

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